3 things I took away from Seeing Sideways
1. A greater understanding of how I think compared to how other people think.
We did a lot of sharing in Seeing Sideways. By doing so, I learned that many of the traits, fears, and thoughts that I believed to be unique to me are shared by many. By the same token, some traits I thought were common now seem less so. I feel like this has given me a greater sense of understanding myself, other people, and the complicated, if subtle, exchanges that happen in human relationships.
2. The importance of starting small.
Many of my projects in this class would never had been finished if I hadn't started somewhere. In particular, doodling, which seemed silly at first, made me realize that by doing something small and seemingly insignificant, you could have a dramatic change in the way you think. It freed my mind up from worrying about the final picture and allowed me to start with the beginning. Likewise, sometimes the smallest phrases said by someone can have drastically different meanings to different people.
3. An increased confidence in what I'm doing.
It is readily apparent that nobody trusts we PR folk. Things to this nature were expressed numerous times over the course of the semester by the majority of the class. It is also something I see every time I tell someone my major and get *that* face. That said, communications in the modern world is a chaotic beast of a mess, and someone has to make sense of it. Because a few of my peers cut corners or use subversive measures in lieu of earning any kind of real understanding of their public, it gives the rest of us a bad name. I intend to expand the way people think in a way that makes my job harder.
Monday, December 15, 2014
Fear Factor response
1. The fear project that I responded most strongly to was the one about being afraid of not living up to the expectations set for you by yourself and others. This was an underlying fear that many people seemed to share, but the one that hit hardest for me, was the guy who talked about his fear of sacrificing his own personal creative goals to meet the "success" goals his parents set for him.
2. I responded strongly to this one because I share a similar fear. I also have parents who expect a lot from me professionally and a lot of my own goals that contradict their's. They don't see the purpose of my specialization in entertainment and technology and I don't see the purpose of living a meaningless life on a mountain of money. This creates a rift between us that is the root of a lot of anxiety.
3. It makes me wonder if by (sort of) saying "fuck it" to the assignment, and to many parts of school at large, I'm expressing a rebellion that I've always had trouble with at home. It seems like some of my best work comes to be from when I subvert an overwhelming pressure by abandoning the rules and thinking outside the box.This is perhaps a skill earned by growing up under strict rules and learning how to use them to my advantage.
2. I responded strongly to this one because I share a similar fear. I also have parents who expect a lot from me professionally and a lot of my own goals that contradict their's. They don't see the purpose of my specialization in entertainment and technology and I don't see the purpose of living a meaningless life on a mountain of money. This creates a rift between us that is the root of a lot of anxiety.
3. It makes me wonder if by (sort of) saying "fuck it" to the assignment, and to many parts of school at large, I'm expressing a rebellion that I've always had trouble with at home. It seems like some of my best work comes to be from when I subvert an overwhelming pressure by abandoning the rules and thinking outside the box.This is perhaps a skill earned by growing up under strict rules and learning how to use them to my advantage.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Fear factor
Someone once said something along the lines of "the only way that evil can exist is in the absence of actions by good men." Or something along those lines. I could Google it, but I've decided to stick with the version that has lingered in my head all these years.
For my fear assignment I have decided to address a general worry or anxiety in my life that something is about to go wrong, that there is something I can do about it, but I'm never sure exactly what the problem will be or how I am supposed to address it...
In some ways, this is a fear of the unknown which is very common in a lot of people. For me, this manifests as a feeling of responsibility for a lot of things that are often entirely out of my control. I find myself feeling responsible for the happiness and success of everyone around me, for the ongoing success of my family's business, and even for the state of the country, the world, or humanity at large.
In reality, I am just a college kid and I have no power over anything except myself in the present moment, Sometimes, this clarifying realization brings me a moments' peace, but more often it sounds to me like an excuse. The greatest people in history didn't let such limitations stop them from saving thousands of lives or influencing entire generations towards a more peaceful and harmonious human existence. Perhaps it is unfair to myself to compare my own ambition to theirs, or perhaps it is simple arrogance on my part, but any one of the people you or I consider great were just that... people. People with the same flaws and fears as the rest of us, but a super human drive to overcome them. If they could do it, shouldn't I be able to as well?
It is this idea that both drives and cripples my personal growth. The last several months of my life have been a showcase of this effect. The family business, for the first year in our history, hasn't shown any growth and as a public relations/marketing major, solving this feels like one area where I should be able to shine, and where failure shouldn't even be an option. I've also had two friends make attempts on their own lives, both of whom have relied heavily on me for support and in both cases I felt as though their lives rested entirely on my shoulders and if either of them had gone through with it, I would have felt like a murderer. The weeks spent battling the darkest depths of depression at their sides took a serious toll on me, albeit one I would gladly take again if need be.
The fear that I might be unable to save my family's livelihood or the lives of my friends, among many other things I'd rather not go into, have driven me to near insanity. I am exhausted, ragged, and now dealing with my own bouts of depression. And although this fear has also driven me to make great strides on behalf of all these situations which I have very little true influence over, it has done tremendous damage to the things I truly do have control over. My grades have plummeted this semester as have my health, eating and sleeping schedules, and general focus. I've been so caught up in the fear of not being able to perform perfectly that I've actually taken steps backwards in my own growth. And for this I feel... pathetic, I guess. Weak,
When this project came up, I was both looking forward to it and dreading it. The idea of facing and overcoming my fears appeals to me. The idea of spending any more time dealing with extremely serious situations made me want to throw up. I decided to deal with my fear of failure by saying "fuck it" and having a good time... by playing video games.
I decided to play Fallout 3, an open world role-playing game based almost entirely around the player's decisions. In any game of this type where you are given choices, I always play the good guy due to the nagging stress of making a wrong decision. In fact, even when I consciously decide to start out as a bad guy, it never lasts long and I end up an anti-hero at worst because making the "bad" decisions comes with the same subconscious fear that I'll be screwing someone over (which you almost always are by being evil in these games). So, upon this play through, I made a total commitment to playing a complete and utter sociopath.
Fallout 3 takes place in a post-apocalyptic America and one of the first major settlements you come across is called Megaton. Megaton is a small city of very nice characters built around an unexploded megaton nuke remnant from the war that ended civilization. Your character has the choice of either disarming the bomb for good or rigging it to explode for money. I, against every fiber of my being, decided to blow the place sky high. But first, I knew that there was one person I wanted to save: Jericho, a former highwayman who you can convince to fight at your side. The only way to convince him to join you, however, is to gain ridiculous amounts of bad karma until your character is pure evil. This became my challenge.
I Googled the best ways to become evil as fast as possible in Fallout 3. As it turns out, one of the most evil things you can do in the game is capture people and sell them into slavery. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Well, capturing people is very easy. The hard part is that all of these characters are so extremely well written that, despite being fictional, I felt like a total dick almost every time,
After about 8 hours of being a completely self-centered scumbag, selling countless innocent NPCs into slavery, and committing mass murder by way of nuke, I actually felt more relaxed than I had been for weeks. I faced my anxiety of not doing the right thing by making a satire of it and although I still feel bad about all that virtual evil, I also feel refreshed. I feel ready to face the day-to-day concerns of life without a nagging fear of the things outside my control. I feel capable of doing good again.
For my fear assignment I have decided to address a general worry or anxiety in my life that something is about to go wrong, that there is something I can do about it, but I'm never sure exactly what the problem will be or how I am supposed to address it...
In some ways, this is a fear of the unknown which is very common in a lot of people. For me, this manifests as a feeling of responsibility for a lot of things that are often entirely out of my control. I find myself feeling responsible for the happiness and success of everyone around me, for the ongoing success of my family's business, and even for the state of the country, the world, or humanity at large.
In reality, I am just a college kid and I have no power over anything except myself in the present moment, Sometimes, this clarifying realization brings me a moments' peace, but more often it sounds to me like an excuse. The greatest people in history didn't let such limitations stop them from saving thousands of lives or influencing entire generations towards a more peaceful and harmonious human existence. Perhaps it is unfair to myself to compare my own ambition to theirs, or perhaps it is simple arrogance on my part, but any one of the people you or I consider great were just that... people. People with the same flaws and fears as the rest of us, but a super human drive to overcome them. If they could do it, shouldn't I be able to as well?
It is this idea that both drives and cripples my personal growth. The last several months of my life have been a showcase of this effect. The family business, for the first year in our history, hasn't shown any growth and as a public relations/marketing major, solving this feels like one area where I should be able to shine, and where failure shouldn't even be an option. I've also had two friends make attempts on their own lives, both of whom have relied heavily on me for support and in both cases I felt as though their lives rested entirely on my shoulders and if either of them had gone through with it, I would have felt like a murderer. The weeks spent battling the darkest depths of depression at their sides took a serious toll on me, albeit one I would gladly take again if need be.
The fear that I might be unable to save my family's livelihood or the lives of my friends, among many other things I'd rather not go into, have driven me to near insanity. I am exhausted, ragged, and now dealing with my own bouts of depression. And although this fear has also driven me to make great strides on behalf of all these situations which I have very little true influence over, it has done tremendous damage to the things I truly do have control over. My grades have plummeted this semester as have my health, eating and sleeping schedules, and general focus. I've been so caught up in the fear of not being able to perform perfectly that I've actually taken steps backwards in my own growth. And for this I feel... pathetic, I guess. Weak,
When this project came up, I was both looking forward to it and dreading it. The idea of facing and overcoming my fears appeals to me. The idea of spending any more time dealing with extremely serious situations made me want to throw up. I decided to deal with my fear of failure by saying "fuck it" and having a good time... by playing video games.
I decided to play Fallout 3, an open world role-playing game based almost entirely around the player's decisions. In any game of this type where you are given choices, I always play the good guy due to the nagging stress of making a wrong decision. In fact, even when I consciously decide to start out as a bad guy, it never lasts long and I end up an anti-hero at worst because making the "bad" decisions comes with the same subconscious fear that I'll be screwing someone over (which you almost always are by being evil in these games). So, upon this play through, I made a total commitment to playing a complete and utter sociopath.
Fallout 3 takes place in a post-apocalyptic America and one of the first major settlements you come across is called Megaton. Megaton is a small city of very nice characters built around an unexploded megaton nuke remnant from the war that ended civilization. Your character has the choice of either disarming the bomb for good or rigging it to explode for money. I, against every fiber of my being, decided to blow the place sky high. But first, I knew that there was one person I wanted to save: Jericho, a former highwayman who you can convince to fight at your side. The only way to convince him to join you, however, is to gain ridiculous amounts of bad karma until your character is pure evil. This became my challenge.
I Googled the best ways to become evil as fast as possible in Fallout 3. As it turns out, one of the most evil things you can do in the game is capture people and sell them into slavery. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Well, capturing people is very easy. The hard part is that all of these characters are so extremely well written that, despite being fictional, I felt like a total dick almost every time,
After about 8 hours of being a completely self-centered scumbag, selling countless innocent NPCs into slavery, and committing mass murder by way of nuke, I actually felt more relaxed than I had been for weeks. I faced my anxiety of not doing the right thing by making a satire of it and although I still feel bad about all that virtual evil, I also feel refreshed. I feel ready to face the day-to-day concerns of life without a nagging fear of the things outside my control. I feel capable of doing good again.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Who am I and why am I here?
Who am I?
I'm just a guy trying to make his way through the world. I am a nerd. I am passionate about seeing other people be passionate. I am trying to make sure that when I leave this world, it's left in a better condition than I found it in. I am a martial artist. I am a professional. I refuse to compromise who I am for the arbitrary demands of others. I am free.
Why am I here?
Why are any of us here? I think that when most people ask themselves this question, they do so with a somewhat arrogant point of view. I think it is arrogant to believe that one is predetermined to serve some purpose. We decide our purpose, as human beings, as inhabitants of nature. All I want is to make it through life with my happiness and do what I can to help others achieve the same thing along the way. If I am to have a purpose, then that is the one I've chosen.
I'm just a guy trying to make his way through the world. I am a nerd. I am passionate about seeing other people be passionate. I am trying to make sure that when I leave this world, it's left in a better condition than I found it in. I am a martial artist. I am a professional. I refuse to compromise who I am for the arbitrary demands of others. I am free.
Why am I here?
Why are any of us here? I think that when most people ask themselves this question, they do so with a somewhat arrogant point of view. I think it is arrogant to believe that one is predetermined to serve some purpose. We decide our purpose, as human beings, as inhabitants of nature. All I want is to make it through life with my happiness and do what I can to help others achieve the same thing along the way. If I am to have a purpose, then that is the one I've chosen.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Class takeaway 8
In class we talked a lot about being stuck in the "golden noose." I have definitely felt very strongly this semester that I've been stuck on a school/work hamster wheel from which there is no escape, so it actually helped destress somewhat to have a class discussion on the topic. I've been feeling like I'm stuck taking useless classes and working a job that really only serves to pay the bills of transporting me to school. I'm not gaining any new experiences. I feel like I've stopped learning. I've hardly felt productive at all but class made me consider that maybe, for now anyway, that's ok. I need to work on calming down and just "going with the flow" until more promising opportunities arise.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Bliss assignment
Possible obstacles
1. Busy schedule
2. Stress = diminished creativity and motivation
3. I'm not very artistically talented
4. I don't know how to incorporate the other assignments
5. I don't know where to start
1. Busy schedule
- What if I took time off work?
- What if I changed my sleeping schedule?
- What if I did little pieces whenever I had a chance?
2. Stress = diminished creativity and motivation
- What if I turned off my phone?
- What if I scheduled time to relax?
- What if I just burn the damn thing?
3. I'm not very artistically talented
- What if I just burn the damn thing?
- What if I incorporate writing? Puns? PR?
- What if I stop thinking of it as an art project?
4. I don't know how to incorporate the other assignments
- What if I let them incorporate themselves?
- What if I don't incorporate them?
- What if I do several smaller projects?
5. I don't know where to start
- Why don't I start with a doodle?
- What if I did a bunch of random things in a random order?
- What if I sleep on it?
Sunday, September 28, 2014
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